Wednesday 30 April 2008

All About Eve

Billy stood on the castle wall. He was going to jump.

The reason for the suicide threat was standing below him: Me and a girl called Lucille. Black hair and freckles, Lucille was cute. But hell, I'm biased. After all, she was holding my hand.

I don't remember whether Billy was dating her at the time or whether he just liked her a lot, but the fact was that I had stolen her from him. Which is why he climbed to the top of a castle and was now threatening to jump off.

It might be a good idea to explain that we were six at this time. The castle was wooden, and it would probably come to head height if I went back to it now. But to a six year old, the danger was there. We tried to talk him down.

I'm afraid I must abandon Billy now, feet nearing the edge of the castle, and instead travel back to the beginning of time. It's quite a leap, so bear with me.

Adam, the first man, was enjoying the Garden of Eden. It had everything he could want. Sunshine, tasty food and a beautiful wife to share it with. He closed his eyes in satisfaction, and breathed in slow. Life was good.

"Hey honey" Eve whispered, gently into his ear. He smiled and opened his eyes to see her. She was all beautiful: black hair and freckles. In her hand she held an apple, red and shiny like the end of a certain reindeer's nose. She polished it against her...well, her skin, since she was naked.

Everyone knows the rest of the story. Eve convinces Adam, with her womanly charms (AKA breasts), to take a bite from the apple. God appears and banishes them both from the garden of Eden, despite Adam's protests that she started it. In the real world, they don't like being naked and they die. Life becomes pretty miserable for Adam.

And this isn't the only time in history this kind of thing has happened. Samson was tricked by Delilah into giving away his 'Achilles hair'. Cleopatra two-timed Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony, essentially bringing down the Roman Empire. Buffy stabbed Angel and sent him to hell.

There exists generation after generation of females who ruin men, break their hearts and spit on the remains. And yet every single generation of men still wanted to be ruined, wanted to risk broken hearts. Why, I ask?

The simple answer is evolution. Surely all men are designed for is to eat enough to survive and spread their genes as much as possible. This usually involves some kind of basic interaction with women, I guess. It is very hard to procreate without a simple 'hello'.

But surely we've reached a stage now where we can produce all our babies in tubes and be done with the whole social scene. We could all hang around in single sex groups and avoid ever having to talk to girls. Surely as humans we should be taking the path of least resistance?

But no, we can't. Because girls are pretty. For every person that turns you down for a date, there's another who kisses you and makes you forget all the hurt girls can cause. For every suicidal Billy, there's a me, holding a girls hand and feeling like a king, even at such a young age.

Billy didn't die, by the way. I'm fairly sure that a teacher came and told him to get down and stop being so silly.

So I guess boys will always chase girls, despite all the trouble. Because in the end, it's all worth it: for her hand slipping into yours, for her snuggling next to you on the sofa, for her kiss, for...well, I hear sex is pretty good.

It reckon it will be our downfall though.

:D

PS: I am aware the same post could be used for boys. But I'm a boy, so girls are my major issue.

PSS: I'm not sure whether Eve would actually be naked at the point I said she would be. Surely after eating the apple, she got modest and put some clothes on. Don't know what this didn't hint to Adam that something was wrong.

PSSS: The Billy story may not be true. It's a memory, sure, but I don't know how much was me filling gaps in my head. But I've never let reality get in the way of a good story. Or a sub-average one as the case may be.

http://karineko.deviantart.com/art/Cute-girl-in-corset-CG-d-25845566

Tuesday 29 April 2008

The New Black


I bought some new headphones. Apparently they are 'Olive Black'.

Who knew black came in shades?

:P

PS: In advance of people trying to make me look like a fool, they are not 'olive/black' and contain no olive colouring on them. They are simply black!

Monday 28 April 2008

Enrique's Questions

Would you dance, if I asked you to dance?
Yeah, sure, probably. I guess it depends on the song and how much alcohol is currently working its way around my bloodstream. The more of the latter means I will dance to more of the former.

Would you run, and never look back?
Nah, I'm too curious. I'd have to look back. Not, however, if I'm trying to rescue my love from the underworld. Made that mistake before.

Would you cry, if you saw me crying?
No, but I'd offer a manly shoulder to cry on. I'd tell you everything was going to be alright. I may even make you a cup of tea.

And would you save my soul, tonight?
Woah! Kind of a big question there! What would this soul-saving entail? Losing mine? Because I am so not up for that. I'm very attached to my soul. It's quite warm and comforting.

If I could get your soul back by, I don't know, playing a game of monopoly, I'd do that of you. If that means anything.

Would you tremble, if I touched your lips?
Tremble is a strong word. I'd probably be quiet, since when most people touch my lips they want me to shut up. Unless they're touching my lips with their lips, in which case they want to kiss me. Which I guess also shuts me up. Either way, I'm going to stop talking if you touch my lips.

Would you laugh? Oh please tell me this!
If this is in reference to the previous question, I've already told you that I'd be quiet, which usually involves not laughing.

If you just mean in general, sure. I like to laugh. Why wouldn't I?

Now would you die, for the one you love?
I could say yes now and I don't think it would mean much. It become a whole different ball game when I have a gun pointed at my head. But I'd like to think I was willing to die for someone else.

Would you swear, that you'll always be mine?
No, sorry. I'm fairly loyal, but I don't belong to anyone. I do like you though, but only as a friend.

Or would you lie? Would you run and hide?
No, I would tell you like I just have, that I won't just belong to you. Why are you trying to suffocate me in this relationship! Geez!

Am I in too deep?
Yes, maybe.

Have I lost my mind?
Yes, definitely.

I don't care you're here, tonight.
Not really a question, and also really harsh. What did I ever do to you? Is this still about not saying I'd be yours. It doesn't mean I don't like you. It's just...

Hey! Don't shout at me. Stop being so jealous! Of course I'm not seeing someone else. Yes, there was that one girl in the club, but she didn't mean anything, I swear. Well, yes, she was a good kisser.

Fine! Leave. See if I care.

[And the whole thing ends in a suicide. Because I did care.]

:(

Sunday 27 April 2008

...On Blogging


Look how I've used a picture of this very blog, on a post for this blog. How gloriously post-modern of me. For that little extra pretension:

Main Entry: blog
Definition: an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page; also called Weblog, Web log
Example: Typically updated daily, blogs often reflect the personality of the author.
Usage: blog, blogged, blogging v, blogger n

I forget why I started this thing in the first place. Not this post, for that wouldn't bode well for the state of my memory, but this blog: Life (and Sandwiches).

Curiously enough, however, I can remember why I started my last one, entitled 'Not Quite Cool'. It was that old deadly sin: envy.

At a friend's, I watched as he showed me his MSN space, his blog. It had his name in the corner, and posts he had written. People, strangers, would read it and leave comments like "That was funny! Be my friend." And suddenly I wanted that too. I wanted my name in a corner and to write stuff onto the Internet. I wanted people to think I was funny and to want to be my friend.

So, after several false starts (Just how do you introduce yourself to the world?), Not Quite Cool began with a story questioning the existence of tomatoes. Written mediocrity continued.

The initial friend's blog soon became another dropped habit, but mine somehow prevailed. I made some friends (Well, one) and wrote about parties, adventures, and my love of sandwiches (Some things never change). I did make myself laugh a couple of times, when I re-read it three years later. I was also plagiarized, which was kinda a very back-handed compliment.

The blog chronicles a year of my life, perhaps slightly longer. But it ended and I feel there are a couple of reasons why.

Starting University was the main one. There I was, being thrust into a new world with strange people and exciting events, stuff that would make interesting entries, but I never had the time. I would rather be meeting the people and taking part in the events than writing about them.

You can read through my blog and see how, when University began, the entries get further and further apart. They also all begin with "Sorry I haven't blogged in a while...." But the question was, who was I apologising to? This was reason number two.

At this stage I wasn't writing for myself any more. The thrill of having my name in the corner or presenting the world wide web with my musings was gone and instead I was writing because people kept asking when the next post would be up.

And, of course, because I wasn't writing for myself anymore, the resulting blogs became self indulgent and poorly written. Which led to me being disappointed with the results and wanting to write less. This cycle led to the eventual end of 'Not Quite Cool', on a pretty note I must say. It remains on the Internet (Just to the left of this page) as a year long diary of my life and a reminder of how much my writing has progressed.

But, like I said before, I can not remember why I started blogging again. I know that Facebook offered me the option to dip my feet with one-off "notes". I also started a blog in which I listed everything I did during the day, as an experiment, but I reached the conclusion that not even I cared enough about what I was doing. I did discover that we forget a whole bunch of tiny details during the day though.

I feel that the creation of this site lies in a combination of boredom, a new year and the need to see my name in the corner again. I also felt like I had been neglecting my writing, so the best way to stay exercised was to own my own virtual jotting pad.

I set rules, as every world need rules. Through the coming months, more rules seemed to sprout up but I'll deal with these a bit later.

The first rule, in memory of the last blog, was to write what I wanted to write and because I wanted to write. The reasons are obvious, and I promised myself that if it was no longer fun, I'd stop. After all, what would be the point?

Second rule: write well. Obviously what I write about and my opinions are purely subjective and down to personal taste. But I never wanted my blog to fall from the mantle of good spelling and grammar. I also wanted to try different forms of writing and you will often see posts change from first, second and third person perspectives. If I'm going to gain anything from this, I need to push my writing skills further and further.

Lastly, I didn't want to become self-indulgent. As much as possible I wanted to avoid writing about what has happened in my day. I read way too many blogs in which the author details everything they have done during the day, what their friends said, and what the latest gossip is.

It's down to personal taste, but to me this is BORING! The fact of the matter is that whatever you do in your day, millions of someone elses have done it before you. The idea of presenting everyone who has the Internet with the mundane moments in your life seems ridiculous. No-one cares that your sister stole your toothbrush. And they really don't want to see photos of your new baby.

Opinions are interesting and the few times that I've broken my own rule I've tried to offer them instead of just simple facts. It is better to know how your sister stealing your toothbrush made you feel than to simply know it happened.

I also try to avoid in-jokes, things that only make sense or are only funny to me and my friends.
Whilst I have broken this rule a few times, it is mostly as a gift to someone else. There are also hidden jokes that even if you don't know the meaning of them, still make sense. I like them. They make people feel special.

Over the few months this has been running, other rules have started appearing. I haven't sworn yet, for example. Not because I have something against swearing, I believe it is a fun and healthy pastime, but just because I can usually find words that work better than swearing. I'd also like children to be able to read this, without concern for verbal content. The merits of whether they should be reading it are a different matter.

I never planned to do a daily post either. Maybe two a week or something. But my first fortnight I had nothing else to do, and posts wrote themselves. At that point, I was stuck in a pattern and couldn't break it.

The picture a post thing has become a rule. It started with me wanting to break up my posts a bit and make them pretty. Now I do it for those reasons, but also out of habit and to show off some cool art. Not all posts have a picture though, so it isn't a hard-and-fast rule.

'Five on Friday' and 'Manic Monday' have become conventions too. I'm sure more rules will turn up in the future, and maybe some of the ones I have might disappear. I might start swearing like a sailor.

And yet, even after four months, I still don't know why I do this. Which, yes, does mean that you just read this huge, essay-like post to see that I've reached a conclusion that I don't know why I'm doing this. Sorry for that.

But I'm still getting a buzz from this. I still enjoy receiving comments on what I've written and like knowing that someone in New York reads this and someone is Sweden and people in Australia. It's a nice feeling. A bit narcissistic maybe, but still nice.

I even enjoy knowing that my friends read this regularly. Yes, they are my friends, but it gives me an ego boost to know that they log on daily, or weekly, to read what I've written. I like that they've known me so long, yet still care what I have to say. I'd have got annoyed by myself right now.

So maybe my temporary conclusion could be that I write this blog for the same reason I started blogging: vanity and ego.

I just like seeing my name in the corner.

:D

Saturday 26 April 2008

I Have The Urge

When I'm standing on stage alone, I have the urge to tap dance.

When I'm watching adverts, I'm tempted to answer their questions. For example:
"Are you a homeowner?"
"No."
"Do you need an unsecured personal loan?"
"Well, I wouldn't mind one. But I don't own a house. Will you still give me one? The first question seems pointless now, really."

When I'm in a quiet library, I have the urge to swear really loudly.

When someone says anything regarding length, I have the urge to say "That's what she said!"

When I'm wearing fingerless gloves, I have the urge to pick a pocket or two.

But I resist all these urges, because otherwise people would think I'm odd.

:D

http://akuma-shiro.deviantart.com/art/URGE-81901886

Friday 25 April 2008

Five On Friday: Romantic Gestures

It seems that the theme for each 'Five On Friday' relates to a film that I've seen this week. So, in honour of 'Lars and the Real Girl', I present the five most romantic gestures.

This list isn't about kisses or sex (Although I hardly ever think that a sex scene is romantic. Sexy, but not romantic) as these are too numerous to be wasted on this list. They'll be saved for other Fridays.

Instead, this is a list of romantic gestures. Only one actually has the two people involved touching each other. It's about showing love through other means.

Also, HERE BE SPOILERS! Don't say I didn't warn you.

Lars and the Real Girl



Whilst there is a wonderful part with Lars giving a teddy bear mouth-to-mouth (It makes more sense in the film), the moment that makes it into the list is outside a bowling alley.

Lars has been going to the doctor throughout the film, because he has problems letting people touch him. He says that it hurts him, a burning feeling, like when you go into the cold and your feet go numb, then when you come back into the warm. In fact, exactly like that.

So when he goes on a pseudo-date with his work colleague, you can just see how much he wants to touch her. He watches as the other guys high-five her when she gets a strike, and he's jealous.

So, outside afterwards, they say their goodbyes. Lars holds out his hand, to shake hers. She touches it. He doesn't flinch. He waits a moment, before grasping her hand properly. Two hands, holding, for a few moments, before the girl pulls away.

So much more romantic than a kiss. And very, very sweet.

Love Actually



Whilst most of this film is sentimental rubbish, it does contain one really sweet moment.

Some guy (names have been forgotten, however I'm told by Emma that it was Andrew Lincoln) has a crush on Keira Knightly. She discovers this when she watches the wedding video he filmed and sees that it is mostly of her.

Anyhow, later she answers a knock on the door, and he is standing there. He silences her, so as not to alert her husband, and proceeds to declare his love for her via signs.

Not only is this incredibly inventive, it is also very sad. Because he doesn't get the girl, she loves her Serenity villain husband, and so the love must go unrequited.

Skins



As much as I loved the first series of 'Skins', the second season was a major disappointment. Full of inconsistent characters and lame plot devices. However, it had its moments and one of them is this one.

Tony loved Michelle. Tony was hit by a bus. Now, when they try and have sex, Tony isn't quite up to the task. Michelle tells him that she needs more time. He gives her a gift.

The box sits unopened for the entire episode until Michelle remembers in the final moments. Inside is a beautiful watch and a note. "You said you needed more time".

She then goes and sleeps with Tony's best friend, so I guess not all romantic gestures work out. Still sweet though.

A Walk To Remember



It is really a shame that most of these moments come from films that I don't really care about. Here is a film that my sister showed me, claiming that I'd love it. I didn't. In fact, I predicted most of the plot points about fifteen minutes before they happened.

One moment worked though. Basically, Mandy Moore is dying of cancer. She has a list of things she wants to do before she dies. One is "Be in two places at once", which, can I just say, seems a bit ridiculous to put on the list. How was she expecting to solve it?

Anyway, her boyfriend takes her out to a road and a line runs across it. It is the state line. If she stands over it, she'll be in two states. Two places at once. Get it?

Well, she does. They kiss. Romance blossoms. She dies. All. Very. Predictable.

Ten Things I Hate About You



I feel that this romantic gesture is very similar to John Cusack holding up his stereo and playing music to his love, but this wins for two reasons.

First, I haven't seen the 'Say Anything' yet. Second, Heath Ledger died this year so I feel he should be in this list as an honour or something.

There isn't much to be said about the scene. It's Heath Ledger singing "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" in a stadium. It isn't particularly romantic. In fact, it's rather embarrassing for him, but this is why I think it works. Heath is the cool kid, the one that has a reputation to maintain. The fact that he's singing in public for a girl, well, he must really like that girl.

I'm also sure that if you asked most teenage girls what the most romantic gesture in the movies was, they'd mention this film. Heath just had that power over people.

:D

Thursday 24 April 2008

To Teachers Past

News reached me today that Mrs. Wilkie, my year six teacher, has died. I don't know the cause and I don't know how old she was, but the news was pretty grounding for me.

Some teachers have the ability to change you. They challenge you and encourage you and introduce you to new worlds that you would have never entered before. It is these teachers that make us who we are and these teachers that will always be remembered. Mrs. Wilkie was the first.

I wonder if I would be sitting here now, doing what I do, if it had not been for her. She encouraged me to act and get into drama, to write, and to read. She lent me her copy of 'The Hobbit'. She managed to be both wise and fun, someone to emulate.

I always imagined that she would be someone I thanked in the first pages of my debut novel. I also really wanted to go back and say "Hey, look where I am now. Thank you." The opportunity to do this has passed me by now, and for that I am disappointed.

You'd think that the death of someone I haven't seen for eleven years wouldn't hit hard, but I find myself mourning her none the less.

Let our thoughts be with her family and all those children who she touched in her many years as a teacher.

Rest in peace.

http://psychedelicmind.deviantart.com/art/Sandman-DEATH-9023195



Wednesday 23 April 2008

Dragons and Saints

If any of the following story isn't right, please bear in mind that I haven't heard the story since primary school. And I was a very forgetful child.

A long time ago, in a land they called 'Ye Olde Englande' there lived a knight called George. One day, whilst riding through the countryside, he came across a small village. As he trotted through on his white horse Rosie, he noticed that everyone seemed a little glum. People was wearing black and openly weeping in the streets.

Ever the curious person, George stopped by an old peasant woman and asked her what the bad news was. Her tale was one of heartbreak.

Ten years ago, she explained, a dragon had come to the village and started doing what dragons do best: burning houses and eating people. Out of sheer desperation, the king stood atop his tower and pleaded with the dragon.

They reached a bargain: the dragon would leave and never return, as long as every year the king gave him lots of gold and a pretty virgin to eat every year.

So every year, all the girls in the village would draw straws. Whoever picked the shortest would make their way to the cave, to be sacrificed to the dragon.

However, the king was a fair man and always insisted on his daughter taking part as well. She couldn't be spared simply because she was royalty. And on this fateful year, the princess had picked the shortest straw. She was going to be sacrificed to the dragon.

The people loved the princess because she was kind and sweet and pretty, and they pleaded that she shouldn't go. Several other girls requested that they take her place, but the princess has inherited her father's fairness and sense of honour. She had chosen the shortest straw. She was to be eaten.

Upon hearing the story, George knew what he had to do. He bid farewell to the woman and galloped off towards the mountainside.

Once there, he found the beautiful princess tied to a stake. Before he got a chance to untie her, or even say hello, the dragon emerged from his cave, hungry for human.

George drew his sword and held it up at the dragon, who started laughing a mighty dragon laugh. Did he really think he could defeat such a mighty beast with such a flimsy weapon? Apparently the answer was yes.

Because George was the greatest knight in the land, he made short work of the dragon. He ducked claws and dodged fiery breath, and soon the over-sized lizard found itself with a sword embedded in its throat. It coughed fire, tried unsuccessfully to breath, before crashing down dead.

The princess was very grateful for being rescued and she married George shortly afterwards. That night, he made sure that no dragon would ever want to eat her again, if you know what I mean.

The village made him a saint and, when his father-in-law died, he became king. His queen gave birth to seven sons. The youngest got married at sixteen and his wife also gifted him with seven sons.

As we all know, the seventh son of a seventh son is very special indeed, and that son became Superman.

The End.

Happy St. George's Day!

:D

http://ursulav.deviantart.com/art/Knight-and-Dragon-18205862

Wake-Up News

"A priest has gone missing after tying a thousand balloons to himself."

You just know the day is going to be awesome when this is the news you wake to.

:D

Tuesday 22 April 2008

Childlike Nonchalance

You get about twelve hours sleep a night. People cook your food and you never have to wash the dishes. You can't even reach the sink.

You get weeks and weeks of holiday and you can spend it running around in fields of daisies without a care in the world. If you fall and hurt yourself, someone is there to kiss it better and you get a plaster with your favourite cartoon character on it.

You know who your best friend is: whoever you spend more time playing with. Relationships are easier. If they like you, they push you in the mud. And all girls have cooties.

The worst things in life are half an hour's worth of homework or having to have ANOTHER bath (you should probably stop playing in the mud). This is all forgotten however, because you get guilt-free, weight-gain-free ice cream and loud, colourful cartoons.

Now, you're lucky if you get 12 hours sleep a week. You're getting fat from all the takeaways you eat, because you never have time to cook. And that pile of dishes is piling dangerously high next to your sink.

You get a yearly holiday allowance of a day, and when you fall over and hurt yourself you don't even get sick leave.

You're not even sure if your friends like you. Relationships have become a confusing mess of misinterpreted signals, heartbreak, and short, messy sex sessions when you're not tired or stressed.

Suddenly the ratio has switched, and you can count the number of good things in life on one hand, whilst the bad list could wrap around the world a few hundred times. You'd eat ice-cream to comfort yourself, but it'd go straight to your hips.

In light of this, it's a wonder why any of us choose to grow up.

:P

http://toosmart5050.deviantart.com/art/Cute-Kid-2-59770348

Monday 21 April 2008

Star Wars (Told By A Three Year Old)



That's all you need to know.

:D

I'm An Odd Shaped Puzzle Piece

Since the beginning of time, humans have wondered who they are. Sure, I don’t know this for a fact, but it doesn’t seem much of a stretch to believe that Mr. Neanderthal, between being eaten by a dinosaur and inventing the wheel, was pondering his purpose on this planet. It’s what humans do. It’s what separates us from dogs, who would only realise that their purpose consists of eating, sleeping and scratching inappropriate places when we have company.

In the modern age, an age where we want everything now or faster, we define people by quick, easily identifiable groups. This makes the whole thing simple for all involved. If you wear black, you’re a goth. Burberry equals chav. You can be upper, middle or working class, a geek or a nerd or one of the cool kids. You can be defined by your gender, age, colour, religion, weight or that fact that your nose isn’t as straight as the guy’s next to you. If you’ve just checked to see if the person next to you does indeed have a straighter nose, you’ll be called vain or self conscious, put into the appropriate group and treated the appropriate way.

This is all well and good, but where do I fit in? Like our caveman friend, I too would like to know who I am. Which piece am I in the great puzzle we call life?

I’m a white male, but that group, whilst being both racist and sexist, is fairly inclusive to a lot of people. I follow no religion, only my own code of ethics. If pushed, I’d put ‘Jedi’ on a census but only because I want to see it recognized as a religious choice. I’m too poor to be middle class but not poor enough to be working class. I don’t wear enough black to be a goth. I smile too much to be emo, but I enjoy the music. I’m not anorexic and I’m not a lard bucket. I play computer games and read comics but I also enjoy the sunlight and the company of females which rules me out of true geek status.

I’m vain sometimes. I’m angry sometimes. I’m kind and I’m cruel. I’m a pessimist trapped in the body of an optimist. I’m funny sometimes. I’m too serious sometimes. With the risk of sounding like an Alanis Morissette, I’m drunk, sober, short, healthy, lost, broke, poor, grounded, sane, overwhelmed and hopeful.

In the end, I have to conclude that I am nobody, belong nowhere. I don’t exist.
But also, in the end, so is everybody, unless someone is around.

We can all say that we are brave or smart or a Romeo, but without anyone around, all we are is potential. The person you interact with, defines you. If you’re having a conversation with Stephan Fry, the most intelligent person to have ever lived, you’ll come across as dumb. Next to Jade Goody, everyone is a certified genius.

So here’s the deal: I won’t put myself into a group or try and fit in anywhere. You can do that for me. When we first meet, and shake hands, decide for yourself who I am. I won’t mind. I’ll be doing the same to you. And, no matter where you place me, I’ll just meet someone else who’ll redefine me again.

So until I meet you, I’ll just keep on being nobody.

:D

http://mydyingrose.deviantart.com/art/The-Missing-Piece-83095750

I Don't Care If Jeremy Clarkson Is Lying To Me

Apology first: This was written a few months ago, and has just been found on my PC. Therefore, it addresses news stories from a while ago. Ah well.

It was in the papers, just the other week, that the head of the BBC had to apologize to the Great British Public. The crime? They shot both the Christmas special and the Easter special of ‘Songs of Praise’ on the same day. So basically, after filming Christmas trees and nativity songs, they redressed the singers and the church and started singing hymns about harvests and bunny rabbits. Who the hell is watching ‘Songs of Praise’ because they want to see people singing in genuine springtime? What is the big deal?!

It all began so simply. Someone, on some TV show, didn’t let the audience know that some competition had stopped accepting contestants but still charged them for the phone call. Then ‘Blue Peter’ put some actor child in to accept an award because the real kid didn’t show up. They also refused to call the Blue Peter cat by the name that was voted by the audience. This may have something to do with the fact that the name voted was ‘Pussy’.

And now, every other day, I read stories (Mostly in the Daily Mail) about television and the evil cons they use on the viewers. Nigella doesn’t really use public transport. And that kitchen isn’t really in her house. Gordon Ramsey didn’t really catch lobsters. And Clarkson, Hammond and May didn’t really set fire to a tent whilst caravanning. I’m sure it won’t be long before we hear that Ant and Dec aren’t really twins or that Simon Cowell isn’t really criticizing the contestants of ‘X-Factor’. He just records some generic insults in front of blue-screen and they edit it in later.

Speaking of X-Factor, I read a big exclusive story that all the contestants are pre-picked to be either really good or bad enough to be funny. That’s not an exclusive! That’s not even a story. Of course they select contestants beforehand. Who wants to see average singers, being told that they are average? It makes for average television. When will this madness end?

I’ve been told by some people that they can no longer trust what they see on television anymore. Please raise your hand if you ever believe what is on the box. And if your hand is now hovering in the air, you are an idiot! Plain and simple.

How can you truly believe what you are watching is the truth?! Even if they go out with the express intention of showing the truth, lies get in everywhere. People lie when on camera. The director chooses to shoot certain things, which narrows the truth even more. And the editor edits the little truth that’s left into what we watch. We are watching lies.

But television has to lie. If it was revealed that Ramsey hadn’t caught the lobster, we could never see him try one and know what he thought of it. There would be no ending to the story. We’d also lose the persona that he creates. He’d no longer be the firebrand chef who swears a lot. He’d be the guy who couldn’t catch a fish.

In the immortal words of Doctor Gregory House: “Everyone lies”. When we are asked how we are, we’ll reply ‘Fine’ even if your dog has been run over that morning. And of course we don’t mind someone taking the last donut. These are simple lies that make life that little bit smoother. So let TV do the same. Sure, if they are conning us out of money then they should be punished, but if it’s not damaging anyone, let them get away with it.

It doesn’t matter if the banter in Top Gear is scripted. It doesn’t matter if Trinny is wearing a wig. And if everyone stopped worrying about all this nonsense, we can all sit down and enjoy the lie.

:D

http://faulty.deviantart.com/art/Television-34436692

Sunday 20 April 2008

Buy Me!

I am well aware that I am starting this with no idea of the end point it will reach. Maybe it won't have a point. Oh well.

I'd like us all think back to the film 'Minority Report', or for those that haven't seen it, imagine the scene I'm about to describe (probably wrongly as well, since I haven't seen the film in a while).

Tom Cruise enters a shopping centre, for an important reason with evades me right now, and as he enters the place scans his eyes, says hello using his name and suggests purchases based on what his life is like and his previous buying patterns. A young, naive (I'm still young and naive, so maybe 'a younger, more naive') me was sitting in the cinema watching that moment and thinking "How cool would that be?!".

Well, now that it is happening, I want to take that comment back. It isn't cool.

Every time I log onto Facebook, I'm greeted with 'individual' adverts. They've clearly scanned my profile, seen that I like the Goo Goo Dolls and are now offering me other people that sound like them. The same for Train. The only reason I'm assuming that they've made this more unique for me is that I NEVER get anything suggesting alternatives to MC Hammer or The Spice Girls.

I'm getting adverts for writing agencies, student loans and Leeds tickets, all because the computer sees that my interests are writing, that I'm a student and that I'm studying in Leeds.

The really worrying thing is that it keeps suggesting "Meet Five Girls in Five Minutes" type things. How desperate does Facebook think I am? Okay, pretty desperate, but I don't want a website implying it!

As if it isn't meddling enough, Facebook has also started suggesting friends for me. This person is friends with five of your friends, why aren't you his friend?

You want to know why Facebook?! Because he's an idiot!

Seriously, if I care enough to add someone as a friend, I think I can muster the energy to find them myself and don't need an automated system to tell me who I should befriend.

It all boils down to this: Leave me alone!

I have a Facebook page to keep up with (read: stalk) my friends and let them also know what I've been doing with my life. When I put 'Reading' on my list of interests, it was only because I was asked, not because I needed books suggested. When I put single, it's because that is my current state of being, not because I want to meet girls. Especially the type of girls that want to meet guys via Facebook.

I understand advertising pays your wages. But let it remain vague and impersonal. It's the way it has always been, and should always remain. It's easier to ignore that way.

It also stops me feeling like you're judging me.

:D

http://tearofice.deviantart.com/art/Can-t-buy-me-L-o-v-e-74630001

Saturday 19 April 2008

Chillin'

It's now just gone half three in the morning and I'm sat on my comfy sofa. I'm tired, my headache tablets are making me drowsy and I'm listening to 'Mellow Magic' on the radio. Christina Aguliera and James Blunt have both just told me I'm beautiful. That's not true, but I appreciate the sentiment.

Behind me is a radiator, and a gentle warmth is heating just the base of my neck. I'm only half awake right now, and every time I close my eyes I can watch my fictional character run around my head and just exist. Her name is Jak. She's cute.

It's around this time I should really be going to bed, especially since I've got to be up for work soon. But sleep is just sleep. You don't get to feel it. This feeling, this is relaxing.

I think I'll chill for a bit longer.

:)

http://meliciousxintent.deviantart.com/art/chilling-53949262

Friday 18 April 2008

Five On Friday: Kid Performers

So I went to see 'Son of Rambow' in the week, in a bid to forget about dissertations (I swear that will be the last time I even mention it). I could spend a time reviewing it and saying how awesome it is. But really all I need to say is "See it!" and I'll be done.

The real point to bringing this up is the kids in the film and how great they were. So in honour of them, allow me to present the five child performances that don't make you want to strangle all the people around you, hunt down the kid and throw him off a cliff into a pit of vipers and rabid dogs. Performances that don't suck basically.

Will Poulter as Lee Carter (Son of Rambow)



I'll start with this, since it was mentioned in the introduction. Whilst the film presents us with two brilliant kids as leads, I've chosen Will over the main character simply because his character was funnier and more interesting.

He's essentially the bad kid who people shouldn't like. But what the kid does well is show us the hurt behind the naughty-bravado. It was so good to see him develop over the course of the film and one of the last scenes, set in the factory grounds, almost had me in tears.

Yeah, I'm cool and manly.

Emma Bolger as Ariel (In America)



Once again, too strong performances but I chose Emma because she was younger and got to have much more of a range.

I think if you put a cute Irish girl in peril, the audience is always going to be empathetic to her plight. But Emma walks a line between cute and annoying and for the majority of the film she stays the right side.

And again, she had me in tears towards the end, when she gets scared of her dad. I've watched that scene several times now, and it gets to me every time.

Freddie Highmore as Peter Llewelyn Davies (Finding Neverland)



This time, I have several films to choose from, since Freddie has proven time and again that he is the kid to go for if you want a great child performance. I choose this film as it was the first time he came to my attention and it was also another that made me well up with tears. Jesus! It sounds like I'm a crybaby at films.

What else can I say about Freddie which won't sound like outlandish praise? Nothing, that's what. He's just good. I'd eat my hat (after buying one) if he doesn't have a huge career ahead of him.

Jaden Smith as Christopher (The Pursuit of Happyness)



Okay, I'm going to say it straight away now. I got upset every time this kid got upset. Every time he cried, I almost did. When he loses his doll, I just wanted to give him a hug. When he was scared that his dad was going to get beaten up, I was upset with him.

In my defence, I didn't cry at 'The Notebook'!

Thomas Turgoose as Shaun (This is England)



I'll be honest, I'm very at odds about putting this film onto the list. 'This is England' is an incredibly over-rated film amongst film students. They speak about it like it is the second coming of British film instead of the fairy competent kitchen-sink drama that it really is.

I live in a house with two HUGE Shane Meadows (the director) fans and the film has been quoted so often that I hate everything about it now. They keep pointing out the fact that it won Best British film at the BAFTAs (An award that belonged to 'Hot Fuzz', in any sane world!) and yet dismiss me when I point out that 'Atonement' won Best Film and was also British. Surely, that's a better achievement?

Gah!

Anyway, I can't let my annoyance over fans get in the way of this kid being recognised on this list. He was completely believable, something which I think Shane Meadows manages wonderfully. You can really see Shaun change and understand why.

However, he didn't make me cry. Apparently, it's not that hard

:P

Thursday 17 April 2008

Catching Flies

"You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar"

I sometimes wonder why old wise people wasted their time coming up with these phrases. Of course you catch more flies with honey! For starters, it is stickier! Logic states that this simple fact alone means that more flies will be caught.

Who goes on a fly capturing enterprise and decides to use vinegar? In fact, who goes on a fly catching enterprise at all?!

Who are these people that need a large amount of flies? And for what purpose? A sinister purpose, if online conspiracy videos have taught me anything! Therefore, any advice that helps them is bad and should be avoided. I, for one, don't want a fly army taking over whilst I sleep.

Seriously people, think before you start throwing out advice that only benefits idiots!

:P

http://delaydecay.deviantart.com/art/Fly-Honey-17997693

Wednesday 16 April 2008

I'm Done!


I'm done!

This may seem like such a simple statement, but imagine that it is said in a joyous shout, with arms held high in the air. Perhaps some fireworks going off behind me and "We Are The Champions" playing loudly from giant speaks.

Perhaps a blimp sails overhead, with red digital letters scrolling with "He's Done!". Some cheerleaders routining away, waving their pom-poms like overexcited teenage girls (well, because they are.)

A dog on its hind legs bounces up and down in front of me and a crowd cheers. Some take part in a Mexican wave.

A pretty girl strides over and plants a kiss on my cheek. She tells me "It's all over now. Well done." She says it in a pretty provocative way.

A marching band passes and each of them manage to salute me and play their instruments at the same time. Right at the moment that lasers fire into the air and spell out one word: "Done".

This is how I feel right now.

My dissertation is done, by the way.

:D





Tuesday 15 April 2008

Nothing Happened


On Tuesday, I didn't do anything interesting. I wrote a dissertation, I thought about my dissertation, I stressed over my dissertation and eventually finished my dissertation. And my bibliography.

I also saw a film. Guess that might count. But my head is too full of dissertation that I can't think of anything interesting to write about it.

Just look at the pretty picture instead.

:D

Monday 14 April 2008

Minute Silence


Wilson died today. Mid-dance.

There he was, getting down with his bad self on the bathroom floor when he just keeled over. His lights turned red and he fell silent.

I tried to revive him. I touched his nose because I know how much he likes that. I flicked his tail to try and get him angry.

Nothing worked! He was dead.

Let us all take a moment to stop and think about the joy that Wilson brought to all of us during his brief twenty-odd day existence.

:(

PS. A tribute to Wilson. Apparently, I'm not the only one who'll miss his crazy, penguin, dancing ways.

Sunday 13 April 2008

Six Words Or Less (Part One)

Find below a bunch of the DVDs in my collection reviewed in six words or less. Because I'm a busy person, you're a busy person (although clearly not busy enough if you're reading this) and we need our film reviews in short concise chunks.

The list is in the order that the DVDs currently are on my shelf, with the ones scattered around my room found at the bottom of the list. Also, it doesn't include the films I own that I haven't seen.

  • Angel (Complete Collection) - Vampire with soul kicks ass!
  • Friends (Season 8) - Six funny people, perfectly cast.
  • Futurama (Complete Collection) - As good as The Simpsons
  • My Name is Earl (Season 1) - Karma is a bitch!
  • Lost (Season 2) - Even more cryptic.
  • League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - Lots of heroes, not enough cool.
  • The Day After Tomorrow - They all should have died.
  • An Evening With Kevin Smith - He should do stand-up.
  • Entourage (Season 1+2) - My perfect life.
  • Bones (Season 2) - Angel solves crimes with skeletons.
  • Dirty Sanchez - Jackass, with Welsh people.
  • The Third Man - Orson Welles isn't dead.
  • Spiderman - Best hero ever!
  • Swingers - Vince Vaugn is skinny.
  • Eddie Izzard (Sexie) - Comedy from transvestite.
  • The Long Kiss Goodnight - Pre-Bourne amnesia flick.
  • Ross Noble (Sonic Waffle) - Very funny, but better live
  • Collateral - Tom Cruise is very, very evil.
  • Antitrust - Tacked On Twist Ending.
  • Churchill: The Hollywood Years - Cheesy, but knows it.
  • King Kong Diaries - So that's how they made it!
  • Akira - Never going to understand the ending.
  • Final Fantasy: Advent Children - One long, awesome fight scene.
  • Bulletproof Monk - Kung Fu for the general public.
  • Hook - Fat kid rolling down stairs!
  • Spaceballs - Like Star Wars, but funny.
  • Wedding Singer - Funny Sandler, cute Barrymore, awesome film!
  • Ghostbusters - The people you are gonna call.
  • Ghostbusters 2 - The same, without the Marshmallow Man.
  • Josie and the Pussycats - Guilty pleasure, with pop music.
  • Orange County - Spot the cameos.
  • The OC (Season 1) - Making geeks seem cool.
  • Nightmare Before Christmas - Dark and musical!
  • Hellboy - Cool hero, average film.
  • Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle - Doesn't take itself seriously.
  • Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back - Lemon Face. Lion Face. Hilarious!
  • Chasing Amy - Ben Affleck at his best.
  • Hot Fuzz - Action Genre, the British way!
  • Monsters Inc. - Inventive story and a cute girl.
  • Eddie Izzard (Circle) - More comedy from a transvestite.
  • Clerks II - Back to the well for Smith.
  • Zoolander - Stiller and Wilson. Perfect team.
  • Best of 2D TV - What it says on the tin.
  • The Graduate - Hoffman can't do any wrong.
  • Chinatown - Best screenplay ever? Nah! Good though.
  • The Big Finish - Cost fifty pence. Worth less.
  • Good Morning Vietnam - Robin Williams set loose.
  • Taxi Driver - De Niro is a little creepy.
  • Miracle on 34th Street - Best Santa ever!
  • Shanghai Noon - Jackie Chan does Wild West.
  • Have I Got News For You - Funny and political. Watchable and educational.
  • Serenity - I owe Joss Whedon everything!
  • Underworld - Can't not make vampire cool.
  • Finding Nemo - Fish can be funny. Who knew?
  • American Tail - Mouse searches for parents. Finds friendship.
  • The Last Kiss - Like 'Garden State' but depressing.
  • Hitch - Will Smith being Will Smith.
  • Amelie - Love itself, captured on film.

OK, enough for today. Bear in mind that this list is only the first of three shelves, which worries me a bit. Have I really wasted that much money on DVDs?

:D

http://ombredelanuit.deviantart.com/art/Watching-a-movie-70023464

Saturday 12 April 2008

New Book

I fell asleep on the train today. This, in itself, isn't all that surprising. There's something about the vibrations and the comfy chairs that just lends itself to sleep. Also, the day before had been a long one and more sleep would have been welcome.

Anyway, the problem came when I woke up as doors were closing and the train was pulling away from the station I was supposed to be getting off on. I ended up in the middle of nowhere with an extra half hour to kill. I was late for work. Also, it rained.

In a bid to avoid the same fate on my way home, I walked to the shop in search of a book to read. It seems that Asda customers are big fans of books about children surviving tough upbringings and biographies about people who haven't done enough to deserve even one page written about them.

Since I don't care about either of these, I ended up in the children's book section. It was here that I found 'Skulduggery Pleasant'.

The front cover had a picture of a skeleton, dressed as a detective. I was interested, so I flipped it over. The back told me little that the picture hadn't already told me. Yes, he was a skeleton and yes, he was a detective. He was also a magician.

It also had quotes telling me that the book was funny, but I've found that kid's book funny doesn't often translate to real funny. The only books I can think of that break this rule are the 'Series of Unfortunate Events' series.

So I opened the book, in search of a passage to allow the book to prove its humour. And for the first time in my life, I bought a book based on the author biography.

For those that are curious as to what it said to win me over, the passage can be found below. Hopefully the book is as good.

"Before writing his children's story about a sharply-dressed skeleton detective, Derek Landy wrote the screenplays for a zombie movie and a murderous thriller in which everybody dies.

As a black belt in Kenpo Karate he has taught countless children how to defend themselves, in the hopes of building his own private munchkin army. He firmly believes that they await his call to strike against his enemies (he doesn't actually have any enemies, but he's assuming they'll show up, sooner or later).

Derek lives on the outskirts of Dublin, and the reason he writes his own biography blurb is so that he can finally refer to himself in the third person without looking pompous or insane."

:D

PS. If memory serves, the author description for a Stephen Fry book is pretty good, but I purchased that before reading it, so it doesn't count.

http://eskimoblueboy.deviantart.com/art/Books-Books-Books-73000817

Friday 11 April 2008

Five On Friday: Quotes About Work



Since my life seems to be revolving around it at the moment, find below a list of quotes about 'work'.

  • Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment - Robert Benchley

  • Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else - James M. Barrie

  • One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important - Bertrand Russell

  • Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all - Sam Ewing

  • Whenever it is in any way possible, every boy and girl should choose as his life work some occupation which he should like to do anyhow, even if he did not need the money - William Lyon Phelps

:D

http://power-666.deviantart.com/art/Work-72490241

Thursday 10 April 2008

First Class Baby!

Through some anomaly, possibly some space-time rift, I am currently typing this in the first class carriage of a train. It was a shock, I’ve got to tell you. There I was, sulking on the platform because I had heavy bags and they hurt my hands, when the train pulled up. I checked my ticket. Coach A. First class.

That couldn’t be right, surely? I checked again and, sure enough, I was sitting on seat 17, coach A. First class probably only went up to seat 16, I reasoned. I’ll have to sit near those first-classers and watch as they get pampered. This was not the case either.

I checked my seat and above it a display told me that my seat was booked between Reading and Leeds. That was where I was traveling! You should have seen the smile stretch across my face.

I’ve got a comfy seat, about twice the size of my bum, with armrests about the same width as a seat in standard. I’ve got a desk and my own personal laptop plug. Also, free food!

Why has no-one ever explained this to me before?! A woman came plodding down the aisle with her trolley, which isn’t anything new I guess. I watched as the guy next to me asked for a diet coke and listened to the price to see if it was worth me getting one too. A price never came.

So I got myself some coke, for nothing, and later I was treated to a lunchbox consisting of a ham and cheese sandwich, pretzels, apple slices and a kitkat. I swear I’m in heaven right now. I don’t want the train journey to end.

The only downside, and there always has to be one, is that I’ve never felt more out-of-place in my life. I look around right now and all I see is business people, in shirts and smart trousers, looking over important documents with stern faces. I bet they’re all looking at me, with my Thundercats t-shirt and cat-who-got-the-cream smile on my face, and thinking “Bloody student”.

They’re probably used to traveling first class everywhere. I bet they get waited on hand and foot. They’ll have butlers and perfect blonde wives and fast sports cars and high-power jobs and children who go to Cambridge and fancy watches (I just checked, the guy next to me does!).

But you know what? I don’t envy them. Because for people like me, these kind of events are a bonus. I get to feel special and slightly more upper class than I usually do. For them, the monotony of first class travel has become old hat and they’re bound to become depressed and kill themselves. Either that, or their wives are cheating on them.

My wife isn’t cheating on me! Take that posh, elitist, upper-class, first-class, fancy-watch-wearing bastards!

:D

http://mickryan.deviantart.com/art/top-hat-42275030

Watch This Space


I'm currently stuck in what I've come to call the blogger's dilemma.

If I have lots of time to write and blog, I have nothing to write or blog about, namely because I'm spending all my time writing and blogging, so I write and blog about writing and blogging and the whole thing swallows itself in a horrible cycle of lameness.

However, when my life becomes interesting, when I cook steak and drink and watch awesome films about elephants, I have no time to write about it. So the site remains empty and people think I must be boring because I'm not writing about things.

Let me reassure you now, stuff will be put here eventually, even if it involves cheating the dates. I'm currently dissertating, working on a documentary, preparing a presentation, writing a script treatment, designing a CV, working a job as well as shipping myself between an ever-increasing number of home-like places. This doesn't leave much time for blog writing.

So seriously, chill. Keep coming back, if only to see I haven't added anything. Pretty soon we'll be back to the original schedule.

:D

http://cuellar.deviantart.com/art/Eternal-Moment-72072206

Wednesday 9 April 2008

Emma "Neville Snarky Pumpkin" Sansom


Today, Miss Emma Sansom turned twenty-one and joined many of us in the world of proper adulthood. How did she celebrate growing up? By watching ‘Horton Hears a Who’, listening to Disney songs and playing card games down the pub. But let us leave aside her desperate attempts to cling to her youth for now, because that is not what this is about.

Knowing Emma and her narcissistic nature, I figure that some glowing piece of well-written prose would be a good substitute for a real present (Of which I also got her). Shame she’ll just have to settle with poorly-written prose.

What follows are twenty-one nice (possibly false) things about Emma:

1. Emma is, technically, my oldest friend. In fact we ‘dated’ way back when we were ten, if your definition of dating involves holding hands and slow dancing at school discos.

2. Whenever I forgot my maths book, Emma was always there to lend me hers.

3. Emma once came back from the pub, just to pick me up. Now that’s friendship!

4. Emma is one of a rare breed of people that I don’t think I could ever run out of conversations with. I’ve always stated that the best thing to have in a friend is someone who you can stay up late talking with, and we’ve made ourselves incredibly tired too many times doing that.

5. Emma is possibly my only friend that has a chance of becoming a doctor.

6. Emma is unoffendable. Trust me, I keep trying.

7. Like me, Emma accepts anyone and everyone into her life, but is fairly elitist in her judgments of them. It’s fun to sit in front of morning TV and judge people with her, in the knowledge that no matter how harsh I am, she’ll always be harsher.

8. Emma is a fellow Bracknell escapee, with a (mostly) complete mastery of the English language.

9. Emma teaches me girl stuff, although I’m still nowhere near understanding them.

10. Emma likes cool words.

11. Although this will be a negative point on every other day, Emma has no strong tastes towards music or film. Whilst I don’t agree with the lack of passion most of the time, it is refreshing to know someone who doesn’t define themselves by their taste in things.

12. Emma understands the difference between ‘bitching’ and ‘deconstruction of a friend’s flaws’.

13. Emma can cook an awesome soufflé.

14. Emma manages the contradictory feat of being both a responsible adult and stupidly childish.

15. Emma once stabbed Charlotte Seaman with a pen. If you knew Charlotte, you’d understand why this was a good thing.

16. Emma finds drunken texts funny, and not highly embarrassing like they usually are.

17. Emma smells (Sorry. Habit.)

18. Emma’s drunken antics provide much entertainment and anecdotes. The cooler thing is that she can never remember them.

19. Emma, in a time before my laptop, would happily upload some blogs for me whilst I was trapped at work. She even wrote a couple.

20. Emma is a girl, fundamentally better than being a boy.

21. Emma is twenty-one today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMMA!

:D

PS. I’m fairly sure I’ve written the word ‘Emma’ enough times to last the coming year. No more, I say!
PPS. So Emma, you see why I couldn’t tell you what this was going to be about?

Tuesday 8 April 2008

Message from 'Jimmy Eat World'

Don’t get comfortable.
Don’t be sensible.
Swing with all you have.
Stop me if you can.

Wise words indeed.

:D

http://jahphoto.deviantart.com/art/The-Thinker-57816583

Monday 7 April 2008

Sneak Peek

SNEAK PEEK

A preview of the up-coming 'Tale of Teeth', in the form of the brief making-of that will be appearing on the DVD.

Contains a few scenes from the film, the cute little girl actress running around and dancing a lot and a very small interview with yours truly.

I can't wait!

:D

Manic Monday (Thousand)

Word of the day, courtesy of Mo, is One Thousand. Technically two words.

A phrase that is often spoken or written or just rudely bandied about, is that “One person can make a difference”. Whilst this is true to some of life’s important exercises, baking a cake for example, I think that the phrase is only half completed. It should read:

“One person can make a difference but the next thousand are a whole bunch more important”

Not as catchy, I admit.

Person #2 through to person #1001 are the key people in these kind of decisions. Imagine a world in which someone made an inspired speech about change, and every person who listened to him failed to do anything. Who really has the power to change things: the lone man or the silent mass?

Where would romantic comedies or sports films be if someone started clapping and no one followed suit? Instead of the infectious clap, a staple of these kind of films, you’d just be left with a weird person clapping on their lonesome.

The only reason these single people get loads of attention is because they are the ones that get to make the fancy speeches and stand on higher pulpits to the rest. But, put anyone on some higher plane of ground and they’ll seem wise.

So whilst it is important to acknowledge the power one lone person can have on the shape of the world, let us not discount the masses. Those brave souls who listened and followed and did what they were told.

Without them, we’d all be weird people clapping on our own.

:P

Sunday 6 April 2008

Fayely Gets Older

One of my first memories of Faye takes place in a Drama lesson, in a studio surrounded by curtains. We were performing a ‘Monty Python’ sketch, in which John Cleese teaches a bunch of students how to defend themselves against a banana. I had drawn said banana on a white board, since I was playing the Cleese role.

So remember, drama room surrounded with curtains and a banana drawn on a white board. The scene is set.

For some reason, which time has let me forget, we were both behind the curtain, messing about. Whatever we were doing, play-fighting perhaps, it was causing ripples visible to people outside the curtain.

Faye commented, “I’m fairly sure this seems dodgy.”

To which I replied, “It’d be even dodgier if I told people I was back here showing you my banana.”

And from that lame piece of innuendo, a friendship was born. Maybe. Perhaps the sparks of companionship happened earlier. It isn’t important.

What IS important, is that seven or eight years later I was at her house, eating cupcakes and celebrating Miss Faye Tims turning the grand old age of twenty-one.

She has grown her hair for a bet, appeared in my film, taken part on many adventures to London, bought kittens, supported my need to dress up in fancy dress at least once a month, met my bike Squeaky Bob, fallen out with Squeaky Bob, stayed up late talking with me on too many occasions, got drunk with me on too many occasions, lost money on the It-box, been a loyal reader of both my blogs, becoming infected with my love for Buffy and House…

*BREATH*

…always provided a roof over my head when I needed it (I can now navigate her house in the dark), always provided a lift when I needed it, talked pop-culture with me, provided me with retro toys, stalked cars when asked, and always been there for hugs.

It’s been a fun (Read: odd) few years and I’m certainly looking forward to the next one. And one thing hasn’t changed: the innuendo.

Although now we don’t hide it behind curtains anymore.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FAYE!

:D

Walking In A Surreal Wonderland


Today, I awoke with a double take, something right out of some kind of Warner Bros Cartoon. I reached up to grab my charging phone before retiring back to the warm comforts of bed sheets. It took me several moments to realize something.

Outside was white!

By white, I mean that overnight it had snowed. In fact, forget overnight. I had arrived home from the pub at half-twelve and hadn’t slept until half-three, and it was certainly NOT snowing during that time period. It had snowed in the very brief that I was in the land of nod.

This may not seem all that spectacular in and of itself, but a few other factors have to be taken into consideration. First, it was April, not known for its snow flurries. Second, it happened in the South of England, where it is very rare to even have a white Christmas, let alone any other time of year.

Thirdly, and perhaps what makes it most surreal, was that by the afternoon, all of the snow had melted. A few hours after I got up, it didn’t even look like it had ever been a festive wonderland. It just looked normal.

At this stage, I really wish I had some profound point to make on the subject. Maybe, I could comment on the sorry state of affairs that global warming has put us in (It concerns me a little that I typed ‘global warming’ with capital letters, as if it was the name for some kind of important evil, before changing my mind).

I’ll be honest though, I’m not so much the green activist. Sure, I see the benefits of recycling and will do so if provided the opportunity. I’ve also seen ‘An Inconvenient Truth’, but found a lot of it to be convenient lies. I like snow too.

A rant from me about the state our world is going, climate-wise, would be pathetic, false posturing and a waste of time. Especially when I could rant about the state our world is going, crime-wise, politics-wise or just plain wise.

Another way to round the blog to some kind of logical point or conclusion would be to compare and contrast the surreal climate to my life right now. I’m all over the place, things that I thought were true, weren’t, and I’m white.

The comparisons seem strained though, and I don’t melt in hot weather.

So I guess the best way to sort the situation out is just to stop looking for higher meaning in snow or my writing. Perhaps I should just bemoan the fact that I didn’t get any chance to play in the snow, and follow it with a sad face.

I didn’t get any chance to play in the snow.

:(

Saturday 5 April 2008

Moo!


Cattle grates have one major flaw: cows wearing skis.

Why has no-one thought of this before?

:P

Friday 4 April 2008

Five On Friday: Non-Disney Films Every Kid Should See

Don't get me wrong based on my title: there is nothing wrong with Disney films. However, whilst I feel that Disney films will stand the test of time, and to a certain degree they already have, the films below are ones that I worry will be forgotten, lost in an ocean of films with fancy special effects and current fads.

This can't happen! Each one of these is a gem in story-telling and film-making and the very idea that any of them will be replaced in a child's life by 'High School Musical' or some other teeny-bopper lacklustre effort (Although, in their defense, I haven't seen them) concerns me greatly.

Also, for the purposes of this, Pixar counts as Disney, otherwise it would be a list of five Pixar films.

Hook


First things first, this trailer sucks. I'm sorry, but it was the 'official' one.

Second, this film was slated by people as Spielberg's worst mistake. Harsh words, but then I was a kid when I first watched this. Even as a watched it as an adult, I clung to my memory of it from childhood.

The film has everything a kid could ask for: Sword-fights, food-fights, flying, fairies, pirates, and Robin Williams. It's all filled with such a sense of fun that any down sides are quickly forgotten. Also, Dustin Hoffman IS Hook, in one of those rare cases where actor and character merge and no-one can tell where one begins and the other ends.

The Goonies


I have to admit now, I never saw this as a child, and for that I feel a little cheated. Again this involves both Steven Spielberg and pirates. It works in a similar fashion to Harry Potter; Every kid wants to be a wizard and every kid wants to have a band of friends that find a treasure map.

The film gets quite dark at points, but this is a good thing. I don't think that all kid's films should be happy and upbeat, if only to not patronise our children. The darkness only makes the eventual victory all the greater.

Back To The Future


Everything about this film cements its 'classic' status. Micheal J Fox as Marty McFly, Doc Brown and a speaker blowing the main hero across the room. A time machine in a Delorean, the broken clock, the dance at the end. I mean it. Everything.

Not only will this film entertain your kid, it'll also teach them about time paradoxes, for the future when time-travel will be possible. Very important, I'd say.

Ghostbusters


The one and only film on this list that doesn't have a credit for Mr. Spielberg attached to it.

I saw this film again, as a teen, and was very surprised at the amount of adult content involved. Some parts are quite terrifying and also full of sexual innuendo (Hmm, every time I write that I imagine the Todd from 'Scrubs' saying "In-your-endo!"), but as a kid this was one of my favourite films.

Again, it taps into a base childhood dream, to fight ghosts and have a cool theme tune.

Gremlins


Quite a horrifying film, for someone young, but like Ghostbusters I have to use the yardstick that if it didn't scar me as a kid, then I doubt it would scare anyone else.

Not only does this have small evil creatures blowing up in microwaves and old ladies flying out of windows, it also has a very important moral message: Don't feed gremlins after midnight!

Also, Gizmo is the epitome of cute.

Runners-Up
Indiana Jones - Only left out because with the release of the new film, I doubt it will be forgotten for a long time.
Star Wars - The original trilogy. I feel it is important to get them to watch it before pop-culture tells them who Luke's real father is. Although I watched 'Return of the Jedi' first, and still enjoyed the whole experience.
Lord of the Rings - For the older child.
Any Pixar Film - Sorry, it has to be said. These are the BEST, by a very long way. Smart, funny, visually brilliant and watchable for both adults and children alike. Perfect.

:D

Thursday 3 April 2008

Me Is Grammar Nazi Too!


When used correctly, the English language can be an amazing thing. It can be used to woo someone you love, inspire armies, or transport people to faraway places that don't exist; a good piece of prose makes you forget that someone took the time to arrange the words and construct the sentences.

Used wrongly, which is ever so often the case, it grates, feels forced and makes you well aware that some monkey-idiot must have mashed the keys or held some kind of crayon (All he can manage) in his un-dexterous fist and scrawled what could barely be recognised as anything approaching the English language.

It seems like lately I've been becoming more and more aware of the way language is constructed and what makes a good sentence. I've been busy on my dissertation, but have been stopping every few minutes or so just because I don't like the way the sentence reads. Usually it is just a case of using a comma or not using a comma, or using a colon instead of a semi-colon. But I can't continue unless I fix it, make it sound right.

Part of the reason for this, I feel, is 'The West Wing', in which they spend a lot of their time discussing the way words sound whilst writing speeches. Not only has it taught me rules about the cadence of words, but has also taught me some new ones: effete, incendiary, and the aforementioned cadence.

Another part of the reason is this very blog. Since I'm writing almost every day, excluding when I cheat, I get more of a chance to examine how I write, what works and what makes me want to hang myself. It is also quite interesting to compare how I'm writing this now, and how I'm writing my dissertation. I've trashed a thousand words of it, just so I could start again and write more casually, like I am now. Why? Because I write better like this, argue my points better, and it is just more fun.

The last little bit of the reason is that I'm spending way too much time talking to Emma who, put nicely, is very articulate and who, put nastily, is a grammar Nazi! This is a girl who corrected herself on 'Messenger' when she put "Isn;t" instead of "Isn't". Pedantic much?

I'm starting to feel like I did after a year of 'Media Studies' when I could no longer watch a film without analysing it. The negative side is that I'm spending too much time deconstructing sentences and most people don't care quite as much as I do. On the plus side, good writing means more now. I appreciate good prose so much more now, because it has passed my grammar tests.

It is a shame then that most people don't write well. It's true. You go blog-trawling and you'll discover a weird and wonderful world of spelling and grammar mistakes. No paragraphs, no commas, sometimes no full stops.

Seriously people, full stops are basic grammar! They should be the first thing you are taught in school. Without them, your writing drones on and on and on and on and, you get my point now?

Without paragraphs and commas, your writing becomes an unstructured block. That is a fact. It is hard to read and, you know what, I won't. Unless you have something really interesting to say, I won't make the effort. And if you're writing without commas and paragraphs, whatever you're saying probably isn't that interesting.

But this is all the tip of the iceberg, and only really a problem if you're writing professionally or faux-professionally (As in blogs). My issue with the general public is their utter laziness of spelling. I can deal with lack of commas, but 'u' isn't 'you'!

Quick aside: Yes, I do use 'u' to mean 'you' whilst conversing on MSN, as well as 'ur', 'wanna', etc. This just helps speed up what I type, making the whole thing resemble a real conversation.

'Lyk' is not a suitable alternative to 'like', or a word at all. It is one letter longer, and I don't get why someone would prefer it. 'Gr8' too, is not great.

Yes, I am a believer in the idea that language must evolve to fill a need in current society. But I will also happily highlight to any language mangler that the four most important words in that sentence are 'to fill a need'! Of course, with the invention of mobile phones and, arguably, the Internet, our language needed shortening to fit the form, resulting in the invention of 'gr8', 'lyk' and 'n00b'. But no-one, beyond lazy idiots who cannot see the beautiful form language can take, is asking for these new words to be used in letters, e-mails, blogs, or on TV (Newsround, I'm looking at you)!

Spell check exists for a reason. You can easily find grammar rules on the Internet. Even if you're still confused, get someone else to proof read your writing. Don't accept lazy grammar any more. Take a stand against it right now, before you turn on the TV to find yourself watching '7-3 4PPR3\71(3'

:D

PS. I understand that some people's reaction to this will be to look through what I have just written and find any grammatical or spelling errors, just to point out how high and mighty I've been, despite the fact that I make mistakes too. Let me help you with that.

I use commas way too much, you'll notice that I often cite three things when listing stuff and yes, places that don't exist can't also be faraway. (<--- Notice the rule of three again!)

Any spelling mistakes are probably typos.

The difference is that I know of and care about the rules before I bend them slightly. I know that 'alot' isn't a real word, but use it as a casual alternative to 'a lot'. And I know you shouldn't begin sentences with 'and'. Also, anything in brackets is not important enough to be there (But I like having witty asides).

I'm not perfect, but then who is? If only people who do things correctly were allowed to complain, the 'Daily Mail' wouldn't exist.

PPS. Every time I look at the title, it makes me cringe.

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