Automated Responses

If you walk into any branch of Waitrose, anywhere across the country, and ask where a certain product is, you will be given exactly the same response.

They will smile at you, because that implies that the company is warm and loving and happy to help you. They will motion at you to follow them; no just pointing and saying "It's just over there."

They will initiate a conversation. This will usually follow one of two topics: "Has your shop been okay today?" or, the old British favourite, "Lovely weather we've been having recently." Occasionally you will be asked to clarify your request: "Was that brown sugar you wanted, or white?".

Once at the product they will take it down from the shelf and hand it to you. Then they will ask you if there is anything else you need help with. If the answer is yes, then the whole process is washed, rinsed and repeated.

If not, and after you say "Thank you", they will say "You're welcome." They will not say "No problem" because that implies that it may have ever been considered a problem. They will not say "Just part of the job" because that means that you're only helping because you are getting paid.

What you get when you ask for a product in Waitrose is perfect structured "good customer service". Or, in other words, you get a robot.

Because when they smile, it is fake. The conversation is forced because really, what can you talk about in 30 seconds that's even remotely worthwhile? The moment you're at the product, nobody wants to go traipsing across the shop to find the next item you're too lazy to look up for (There are signs on the ceiling!).

But I won't be a robot, oh no. I'm slowly subverting the system from within.

I smile when you speak to me, but in a way that implies that I'm privy to a private joke that you're not. I mock you with my eyes.

I start conversations about the big issues on the walk to a product: "It can be argued that a human being can never prove that anything else, apart from their self, exists. Discuss." or "What are your views on abortion?" I watch as they try to muster up a conclusive answer in the short journey, and sigh at them when they don't manage it.

I see how many of the product I can hand to them before they tell me to stop. General politeness means that you can get a fair few cans of beans into someone's hands before they ask you to stop it.

I ask "Is there anything else I can help you with?" patronisingly, in the same tone of voice that a mother asks a child if he needs the toilet before a long car journey.

When I'm thanked, I reply "No, thank you for this wonderful experience." with only the tiniest hint of sarcasm in my voice.

I'll abide by your rules, Waitrose, but I will never become a robot!

:D

http://natdatnl.deviantart.com/art/sad-robot-35003186

Premiere

The audience was buzzing, talking about the last film they had just seen. The cinema was packed and I was sat a couple of rows back from the front.

The buzzing quietened as the next film started. My film. All of a sudden the words that I wrote almost twelve months ago sprang to life on screen.

My heart began to beat faster and my breathing slowed. The first joke didn't come for about thirty seconds, I knew this, and in those thirty seconds you can think about a lot.

Was this the correct way to open the film? Will people get it? What if they don't laugh at the first joke? What if they don't laugh AT ALL?!

I wait with baited breath. Now the success of this first joke decides my future. If it fails, so have I, and I might as well leave the industry now. It all rides on this one pratfall.

The joke plays and people laugh. The whole cinema laughs, in fact. I breath out, relieved.

A smile creeps across my face as they keep laughing: At the second joke and the third and all the others after.

Best moment ever!

:D

Bored With The Internet

Surprise Illness

The human body has the amazing ability to forget illness. Once healthy, you will find it hard to remember that your nose felt like it was on fire whenever you blew it but dripped constantly if you didn't.

You forget the way you felt your brain slosh around whenever you moved your head, or the way your muscles constantly ached despite a lack of body activity. You forget the horrid croak of your voice and the itchiness that sits forever in your throat.

Because you feel better and are metaphorically walking on sunshine now, your body forgets that it was ever in such a state. And for all the times you remain a picture of health this is only a good thing. Why remember something negative when you can just get on with your life?

It all begins to suck when you get ill again. Your nose is leaky or on fire and you body aches. You've forgotten all this in the months of health, so it all comes as a nasty surprise.

So I'm lying on my sofa, very surprised at all the things that are happening to my body. It was sunny today and I've got a ton of work to do.

So the human body also has the amazing ability to get ill at wholly inappropriate times.

Sucks to be me.

:(

http://peacebear.deviantart.com/art/PB-is-Feeling-Ill-9398209

Midnight Note

Occasionally a good idea spawns whilst I’m lying in bed, drifting away to the land of nod. Most of the time, the idea is ignored, out of sheer laziness. Sometimes the idea merits penning, and usually I can find the equipment required next to my bed.

Sometimes a pen and paper aren’t readily available.

The following was found in the note section of my phone.

“Love is just a feeling to shield a girl from the fact that she’s just given away her body to the guy with the biggest ego and the smallest cock.”

It’s a piece of dialogue for a script I’m writing, but it does worry what goes through my head as I fall asleep.

:)

http://sputnik2.deviantart.com/art/Note-to-Self-69673128

Manic Monday (Fresh)

I’ve been failing this task for a while now, but feel it’s time I jumped back on the Manic Monday bandwagon. Even if it’s technically Tuesday.

I’ve been finding lately, because of the sudden onset of warm weather, that I’m very much against evening showers. It’s almost that I’m allergic to them.

I come home at night, sweaty from the walk home and smelling of boy, and find that despite really needing to be clean, I remain unwashed.

It’s a freshness thing, really.

Even if I do night-shower, by morning time I’m just not as fresh as I’d like to be to face the new day. I need another, and in this day and age of global warming and Al Gore winning Oscars, I refuse to waste the water.

I’m not even doing anything in my bed to justify the feeling of dirtiness when the sun rises. Okay, most nights anyway.

The shower is just part of the morning ritual that is necessary in order for the day ahead to be plain sailing. No matter how bad the previous day has been, no matter what I have had to put up with, I can stand underneath the hot jet of water and wash it all away.

The stress, the tears, the sweat can all be washed away and down the plughole. And anything remaining can be masked with mint and tea tree oil. I can start the day afresh.

I need to be a new person every new day. I need to be fresh and alive. I can’t leave the house with the smell of bed following me. Just what would people think?

So yes, right now I’m lying on the sofa and may not be the prettiest thing to enter your nostrils. But it’s for the best, in the grand scheme of things.

Tomorrow I’m going to be fresh.

:D

http://gotadeaguanorosto.deviantart.com/art/shower-48640962

Advanced Eating

Okay, so I want to eat this sandwich. Sausage, egg and bacon, with a little bit of brown sauce. I'm not usually a brown sauce fan, but in this sandwich I'm a convert. Maybe I want a smoothie, mangoes and passion fruit, because I feel I need to be a bit healthier.

With the smoothie, I get two out of my five fruits a day out of the way. Then, if I have veg for dinner and a different smoothie, it'll equal five. But each smoothie is 29% of my daily allowance of sugar, so two comes to 58%. The sandwich has a little, so now I've got to make sure that I have a low-sugar meal later.

It'll have to be fairly fat-free because the sandwich is 38% of my allowance of fat and 57% of my allowance of saturated fat. Maybe I'll eat fish, because that is supposed to be good for you. But I need one of three potions of yogurt or cheese. In fact, now I need three because there isn't any with the current sandwich/smoothie combination.

Okay, so I change my sandwich to something with cheese. Cheese and ham. Sure, it ups my saturated fat consumption, but now I get one cheese portion and some calcium. Maybe I'll add a tomato and get to three fruit and veg a day.

Oh, and I could have a yogurt. With fruit in it. Then, two out of three yogurt/cheeses will be sorted and I'll only have to eat one portion of peas with my fish.

And what about my two litres of water? Should I have a bottle with this meal? Can I have both a smoothie and some water? Wouldn't I just need to pee a lot?

So I add a bottle of water, throwing bladder issue caution to the wind, and luckily this doesn't do much more to my figures. I can take a quarter off my water allowance, and just have to make sure I drink more later.

So now, half an hour later, I'm tucking into my food. The sandwich is rubbish, and the water takes the taste of the smoothie away. I'm not really hungry anymore, and am just eating because I'd put so much effort into figuring this meal out.

Seriously, when did you start needing a mathematics degree to eat food?

:(

http://loyaljournalist.deviantart.com/art/Food-Illustration-26087235

Five On Friday: Just Plain Cool

To match the 'Five on Friday' to the week, it could have either been this (to go with Iron Man) or 'Five On Friday: Judd Apatow Films That Aren't Quite As Good As Knocked-Up' (Forgetting Sarah Marshall).

I went for the former because the latter is a whole lot more than five and a whole lot less fun.

*CONTAINS SPOILERS*

Iron Man


For some reason, Iron Man has never reached the dizzy heights of fame that his brothers in super-heroism have. Kids dream of web-swinging or of adamantium claws and Tony Stark is left to rot in obscurity.

Thank god then for Robert Downey Junior's brilliant portrayal of the red and yellow warrior. Smart and sexy (in a mostly heterosexual way), funny and cocksure, Downey's Tony Stark sizzles with cool.

From the first moment we see him sipping whiskey in an army jeep, to the moment he tests his suit for the first time, to that final moment when he reveals to the waiting journalists that he is Iron Man, every minute he's on screen he is awesome.

Let us hope that, after the success of this film, more kids dream of being billionaire, alcoholic playboys.

Ocean's Eleven


You have George Clooney, man of the year, and Brad Pitt, cool even when eating sandwiches, and you stick them in a film in which George Clooney plays the man of the year and Brad Pitt eats sandwiches. Instant success!

The cast is pretty much the coolest collected in a movie, and the whole thing ended up being the springboard for Matt Damon's rise to taking Clooney's 'Man of the Year' crown.

Entourage


Coolness is about ease: easy dialogue, having people gravitate towards you, and being able to get what you want when you want it. The moment you look like you have to try, you are no longer cool.

Entourage succeeds because it shows this easy life and lets you, the viewer, get involved. Easy cars, easy women and easy access to all the hot clubs in Hollywood; Entourage is the life!

Devil May Cry


Being half-demon is always going to raise your status on the scale of cool, but Dante even puts his phone down in a cool way.

* * *

The observant amongst you will notice that the name is currently a lie, and that this in only four things. The reason for this is that youtube has failed me, and will only play two seconds into any video. Therefore, I couldn't possibly choose a suitable video to fill the last slot.

This will be rectified.

Sorry.

:D

Seven Days, Seventeen Hours, Three Assignments and One Screening

My last lesson has been completed.

As big moments go, it really lacked weight. I sat in a writing class and found that no-one in the class had read my treatment. My tutor told me I was funny and needed to work on dramatic tension. Iron Man and Hot Fuzz were discussed. The End.

It didn't really appear as the huge, life-changing event that it was. But then I guess most huge, life-changing events appear timid and unexciting at first.

Either way, I should be terrified. And I guess I am. But also oh so very excited for what the future brings. I think that may be because I don't realise the enormity of what lies ahead, but I can enjoy this feeling whilst it last.

Bring on the summer!

Bring on life!

:D

http://malvaalcea.deviantart.com/art/the-end-of-something-great-79432825

Music and Kittens

I was going to spend a post extolling the virtues of Matchbox Twenty's song 'How Far We've Come'. I'd have used pretty words and vivid imagery.

Then I realised that no amount of writing actually compares to hearing a song. And nothing compares to hearing a song and looking at pictures of kittens.

So, enjoy. And be patient. It takes a while to get into the song.

:D