Automated Responses

If you walk into any branch of Waitrose, anywhere across the country, and ask where a certain product is, you will be given exactly the same response.

They will smile at you, because that implies that the company is warm and loving and happy to help you. They will motion at you to follow them; no just pointing and saying "It's just over there."

They will initiate a conversation. This will usually follow one of two topics: "Has your shop been okay today?" or, the old British favourite, "Lovely weather we've been having recently." Occasionally you will be asked to clarify your request: "Was that brown sugar you wanted, or white?".

Once at the product they will take it down from the shelf and hand it to you. Then they will ask you if there is anything else you need help with. If the answer is yes, then the whole process is washed, rinsed and repeated.

If not, and after you say "Thank you", they will say "You're welcome." They will not say "No problem" because that implies that it may have ever been considered a problem. They will not say "Just part of the job" because that means that you're only helping because you are getting paid.

What you get when you ask for a product in Waitrose is perfect structured "good customer service". Or, in other words, you get a robot.

Because when they smile, it is fake. The conversation is forced because really, what can you talk about in 30 seconds that's even remotely worthwhile? The moment you're at the product, nobody wants to go traipsing across the shop to find the next item you're too lazy to look up for (There are signs on the ceiling!).

But I won't be a robot, oh no. I'm slowly subverting the system from within.

I smile when you speak to me, but in a way that implies that I'm privy to a private joke that you're not. I mock you with my eyes.

I start conversations about the big issues on the walk to a product: "It can be argued that a human being can never prove that anything else, apart from their self, exists. Discuss." or "What are your views on abortion?" I watch as they try to muster up a conclusive answer in the short journey, and sigh at them when they don't manage it.

I see how many of the product I can hand to them before they tell me to stop. General politeness means that you can get a fair few cans of beans into someone's hands before they ask you to stop it.

I ask "Is there anything else I can help you with?" patronisingly, in the same tone of voice that a mother asks a child if he needs the toilet before a long car journey.

When I'm thanked, I reply "No, thank you for this wonderful experience." with only the tiniest hint of sarcasm in my voice.

I'll abide by your rules, Waitrose, but I will never become a robot!

:D

http://natdatnl.deviantart.com/art/sad-robot-35003186