Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls

*CONTAINS SPOILERS*

Okay, so this was originally going to be a 'Five on Friday' thing about sequels that should never have happened. I spent three days writing the thing, but when I click 'publish' the whole thing deletes itself.

Well, not everything. The first entry (and a little bit of the second) remained and so I keep it here so I can actually post something finally.

My review of the new Indiana Jones film:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls


Okay, let me say this first: I wanted to like this film. It was Indiana Freakin' Jones, back for one final crack of his whip! Sure, the critics weren't saying the nicest things, but what do they know? They liked 'Lost in Translation'. So, screw the critics I said, as I walked proudly into the cinema screen. I would like this film.

A second point before I begin to talk about the film: I don't often not like films, even bad ones, and I never feel like walking out of a cinema. So understand how important it is that I wanted to walk out of this film.

I can't believe that after several scripts were rejected, that this was the one finally chosen. We open on some kids in a car who have no point of being in the story. This is all followed by a lengthy dialogue scene in which lots of pointless exposition is given. As for movie openings, this is the lamest in a long time.

It is followed shortly by Indiana Jone surviving a nuclear explosion in a fridge. You heard me, a fridge! Then, the janitor from Scrubs appears as an FBI agent and tells Mr. Jones that they are keeping an eye on him.

I describe all of this because out of this first fifteen minutes, about one minute comes back to be relevant later in the film. The FBI don't keep an eye on him. All they do is make him lose his job, which is another exercise in pointlessness because it has NOTHING to do with the story.

Indiana Jones is set up to be an old man at the beginning, and any sane person would believe that this was going to come back later, that he fails in doing something because of his age. But it doesn't. In fact, he hardly does anything. He wins the day at the end by running away!

Cate Blanchett also does absolutely nothing as a villain either. Occasionally you'll hear a gun cock and then she'll be there with her gun pointed at our heroes. In fact, too often this happens. But she's set up as an expert sword fighter, and can't beat a high-school drop out in a fight. She's set up as psychic, as far as I can understand it, and this doesn't come back either. She doesn't even kill anybody!

Ray Winstone's character is a mess of motivation. So he wants gold, has gold, but still betrays his friend?! It just felt like they wanted a token twist towards the end.

The whole film is too stop-start, and spent so many scenes explaining what must be the most complicated McGuffin ever. Every time I was getting excited about an entertaining action scene (and they were quite good) they stop and talk about the mystery of the crystal skulls in so much detail that I started to doze off.

The only reason they do this is to try and ground the crystal skulls into some kind of reality, so when the secret is revealed, we might believe it. Turns out, the crystal skull is part of an alien skeleton. That's right, an ALIEN SKULL! Not just any alien, but the most generic alien ever designed.

I wanted to walk out after the fridge bit. Then, I wanted to walk out after the gang fell down three waterfalls and lived. But when the film ends with a flying saucer taking off, they must be joking right?!

Seriously, this film is a mess of failed attempts to bring back old moments from the previous film and plot points that don't go anywhere. Why was Mutt so attached to his bike, but forgot it later? Why show him as a good knifeman, then fail to bring it back again? Did age affect anything Harrison Ford did? And what exactly did looking into the skull actually do to Indiana Jones?

This had the potential to be an awesome film, and failed on a spectacular level. Yeah, maybe tomorrow I will have mellowed and will find the good points. I'll point out that Shia Le Beof was pretty damn cool, and that there were some awesome action scenes. Also, monkeys get to save the day, and who doesn't like monkeys?

But right now, I'm just plain annoyed that this film exists at all. And from Speilberg, no less. You should be ashamed Steven. Ashamed!