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Jason (not his real name; identities have been changed to protect the emotionally damaged) shook as he took a sip from his whiskey and coke.
“I keep having the same dreams. An alien stands above Indy and keeps kicking him in the head. I try to run and help him, but I never get any closer. He just keeps kicking and kicking and…”
Tears well up in his eyes and he can’t speak anymore. Everyone around him nods their heads. They understand.
Jason is suffering from P.I.S.S, Post-Indy Stress Syndrome, an affliction that is growing in numbers as the new Indiana Jones film racks up millions in the box office.
It is hard to take seriously. After all, how can a simple thing like a film cause such an adverse reaction? But we shouldn’t be taking this casually at all. Left untreated, this syndrome can cause stress, anger and eventually a lack of emotional contact with the world. It is the only way they can cope with the world.
If you believe that yourself, or someone you know, may suffer from P.I.S.S., please check the following checklist. If you can answer yes to three or more of these questions, you may well be a sufferer.
*Do you find yourself reluctant to watch another film, ever again?
*Do you repeatedly watch the original trilogy and mutter to yourself “Just forget” over and over again?
*Do you feel anger towards people with Indiana Jones-style hats?
*Do you feel anger towards people with beards that have a striking resemblance to George Lucas?
*Have you lost friends because they claimed that the new Indy film “wasn’t that bad”?
*Have you found yourself looking up at the stars and shaking your fist, cursing aliens for getting involved in ANY world affairs?
*Have you stopped eating, because whenever you look at food you think “What’s the point? They’re only going to make Indy 5.”?
If some, or all, of these apply to you or a friend, don’t worry! Help is at hand in the form of P.I.S.S.A.R.T. (Post-Indy Stress Syndrome Active Reduction Therapy). Meetings are held weekly and members are encouraged to drink and just forget about their troubles. Sufferers are asked what they didn’t like about the film, and the allowed the full amount of time to rant and ramble.
We teach sufferers that it isn’t THEIR fault, but George Lucas’, and ask that members write angry notes to him, essentially cleansing themselves of the anger held within.
To find out where your nearest meeting is, please contact 07682 775775 (Not a real number. Numbers have been changed to protect the innocent.)
And remember, there IS life after Crystal Skulls!
:D
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