This Is NOT A Diary

A housemate and a friend coming home tipsy, led to a discussion about diaries. What are they for? Are they useful in any way? Do I keep one? The answer is no, and I want to state now that this is not a diary.

To me, a diary is one of two things. It can be a plain list of what you have done. "I went to the shops. I brought some broccoli.", that kind of thing. I've tried this and it is boring. Also, when you look back at your dairy in ten years time, all you find out is that you ate broccoli that day.

The other type of diary is a whole other world of dangerous. It is the writing of your stream of thought, without any censorship or editing. I've tried this as well, and I can promise you that my stream of thought is not fit for public consumption.

I am insanely neurotic. I am paranoid. I often wonder if people like me. Or why they like me. I never feel part of any group, but that I am just standing on the outside of a circle, peering in.

I've been told that as a kid, I was obsessed with death and I don't think that has ever gone away. I imagine what it would be like to die. Who would be at my funeral? Who would cry? What would change in the world?

Or I imagine other people dying and what life would be like without them. Or I wonder who would be at my bedside if I ever got seriously ill.

Sometimes I want to get ill just for the attention.

I'd like to think that on the outside I am warm and positive but, like 'Star Wars' has always taught us, there has to be balance. I think I'm just balanced with a dark, foreboding, negative inside.

And that is exactly where it should stay - inside.

And I realise that I now come across as just a little bit crazy thanks to the last few paragraphs but I swear I'm not. I cope, for the most part, perfectly well in civilised society. And despite all the negativity, I wouldn't trade my mind or thoughts with anybody else.

But I'll also choose not to write them down as well.

:D